Cousin Larry’s Finances (a short story)

(or a message to my fellow EU citizens, again).

Finally things are looking great. We just completed this project for a foreign client, almost a year’s worth of work. All finished and delivered, probably checked by them right now, before the final payment is done. I do not worry, I am sure there will be no issues. Over the past few years my team has built up its experience; we are specialized, focused and motivated. We have little worthwhile competition to threat us. Our reputation is building up as well. Lately we have more contract proposals and product ideas than we could possibly handle. Maybe it is time for an expansion, hire some more good people; we postponed it long enough, but there wasn’t even time to review candidate resumes.

Anyway, the pressure will decrease now, just in time too. I got outside the office, felt the summer sun and realized how nice it is out and how I missed it. And how much I need a vacation. But this summer I am getting one and a long one it will be. I deserve it, and after all, Greek summer is the one reason why I remain in this country. I have to remind this to myself from time to time. But I am not complaining. Business runs fine, work is interesting, leaves something in the bank after expenses and taxes, I have no loans, no outstanding obligations, and it is a brilliant, warm, early summer day. Yes, things are looking great.

“Excuse me sir, are you Mr. ….?”

The voice came from the other side of the road. I saw a good looking man, about 45, dressed in full suit but looking cool and unaffected by the heat.

“Yes”, I replied. “Can I help you?”

 “We need to talk, sir”, says the man. He approaches, states his name and handles me his business card. A lawyer. 

“…ok, let’s go inside.” While I could not imagine what this was about, it was too warm to continue this conversation outside, so I reentered the office building. He followed. Once seated, the man said:

“I am afraid this will not be pleasant news. It is concerns your cousin Larry.”

“Sir, you must be mistaken, I have no cousin named Larry”, I replied.

“You may know him by his other name, G…..”

That name did ring a bell.

“Ah yes, that would be my distant uncle from my mother’s side, her second or third cousin I think. We do call him cousin, because he is so closer to our age. What a character! Always the life of the party. But you said it is bad news. Did something happen to him?”

“No, your cousin Larry is fine. In fact while in an island last week he threw a party that made headlines on quite a few lifestyle magazines. Not sure where in the world he is this week.”

“…Larry, yes. Wow. Not that I am surprised, he always lives large, money is never an issue to him, as you probably know. What is the bad news then?”

“The bad news is about the money you owe us”.

“Owe you money? No, you are wrong.”

“Not me, the people I represent. Your neighbors.”

“Sir, I am sure I never borrowed any money from you or them. We did take a business loan when starting here, but that has been paid back long ago. I have no debts, you must be mistaken”.

I was sure about this, so decided to finish the conversation promptly:

“I must go now, nice meeting you. Please follow me outside.” I got up and start heading for the door.

He did not stand up. Instead, he placed a thick document folder on table. His voice sounded annoyed and serious:

“These documents here, prove otherwise”.

I left the folder laying on the desk. What was the meaning of all this? Then it occurred to me: This was obviously a joke – probably organized by that annoying “Cousin Larry” himself. Quite his type to do such a thing. This man that seems to know “Larry” was probably hired by him. Sure, this could be a typical “Cousin Larry” prank. I looked around the office room for any hidden cameras. I decided to play along a little bit:

“So I have a debt I knew nothing about. Is that so? And how much would that be?”

He stated a huge amount. It equaled my total income, if I lived three or four lifetimes and spent nothing. Maybe. Now I was sure this is was a joke.

“Larry come out, you prick, I figured you out”, I said laughing.

“Sir, this is serious. I represent your neighbors. They took legal action against you, won, and were granted compensation. This could lead to your losing all of your property; if you decide to steal their money by refusing to pay, the law would be on their side. I recommend you agree to compensate them, immediately and starting today”.

“Sure, sure. When exactly did I borrow that much money?” I said laughing, and continued: “Larry get out, this is quite funny but we are missing the nice sunshine!”

The man dialed something on his phone, while saying to me: “Sir, you do not realize the seriousness of the situation. If you don’t pay or at least settle with your creditors I have orders to confiscate all your property, including your home and bank accounts. Sir, the authorities are informed and agree to enforce this."

I could see this was not to end easily. I had to find a way to liberate myself from this crazy man and his delusions. Or figure out where “Larry” was, probably hidden and laughing at me right now. So to make “Larry” happy and finish this stupidity, I replied:“So, I borrowed this huge amount from my neighbors, huh? I wonder what I did with it. Anyway, do you want this back in cash?”

“Cash would be fine. But to clarify things I never stated that the party I represent -your neighbors- gave you any money. If you were to take a look at this folder, its contents would clarify things for you. Like I mentioned earlier, it involves your Cousin Larry. So please examine these papers, and I would be happy to explain, while I prepare some documents for you to sign.”

“Do explain”, I sighed.

“Initially Mr. Larry, your distant cousin, was not rich. Sure he spend money thoughtlessly making you think he was rich, but he was not. We know your family always felt a sense of security thinking that Larry would be there if they needed him and tolerated his terrible character. We know, we investigated a little. For example, all too often you gave him money when he said that he needed it in a hurry…”

“Money he never returned. Larry do you hear this?” I shouted.

“… and gave him money to invest on your behalf…”

“Yes my mother still waits for the pension money she gave him to invest. Or would be, if she was still alive. Larry do you hear this?” I shouted again.

“… and often had him take care of various issues for you…”

“We had no choice. He would show up and insist to know the right people, the right way to do things. Like when my sister decided to repaint her house, he said he had the team to do it (his many business interests include construction you see). He took all the money as down payment and indeed -the same afternoon- an impressive team of home renovators appeared at my sister’s door. Except they only painted a single room (and did a poor job at that), created a huge mess, accidentally demolished the balcony, demanded more money to finish the job due to “unexpected difficulties”, took it, and left. Besides that room, the house is still unpainted. But I am sure Larry will figure out a solution, am I correct Larry?”

All these were true. A thought came to my mind: maybe Larry orchestrated this farce as a funny way to apologize. But the man continued:

“… and sometimes you would find that items of your property had disappeared from the family house, and Mr. Larry had taken them insisting it was for your own benefit…”

“Yes like my mother’s wedding ring. But she loved him and trust him. Besides, despite what you say, the whole world knows Larry is rich. This is petty cash for him, and Larry is a bit absent-minded. We are used to it and hesitate to mention these little annoyances, they would spoil the good mood. Right Larry?”

 “Sir, I don’t know why you keep calling your cousin’s name, he is obviously not here” the man said. “Please let me continue without such distractions”.

“OK, I’ll go along”.

“Fine. Mr. Larry has been a big spender and a person that never goes unnoticed. With all this money floating around him, he made friends in all places high and low, allowing him to borrow more and spend even more.”

“But you said Larry was not rich. How could he do that?” I could not resist pointing out this fault in his story.

“On the one hand, the borrowed money gave him more wealth and power; he could easily borrow again to pay back (or at least maintain) older debts, which also made him trustworthy. There were no complaints for Mr. Larry's practices, and this gave him access to ever increasing amounts. Banks earn multiples from each loan they give, so at Mr. Larry’s level of wealth they treated him like a king. With these money he could pay for his expenses as well finance his friends’ “crazy adventures”.  Sometimes the interests were a little high, but Mr. Larry never had problems getting the needed credit. And on the other hand, which brings us to you…”

“Yes?”

“… In a way, Mr. Larry borrowed money on your behalf. Not just you, each and every member of your family, each close or distant relative has been used to warrant Mr. Larry’s loans. You see, his creditors knew that you are a large family, and decided to use you as collateral. In fact I will have to visit each member of your family at some point. I picked you first at random, but I was lucky since you are willing to cooperate and compensate us.”

Suddenly a shivering thought passed in my head. Was it possible that this is not a joke?

“Wait here! I never gave Larry or anyone else permission to borrow money on my behalf”, I protested.

“You were only used as a form of insurance, and creditors do not require signatures for family members any more. Furthermore Mr. Larry showed proof that you are in good terms with him and he is doing this on your behalf. Please look at these documents, sir. They have your name on them, right?” the lawyer replied.

I opened the folder. Yes, these were legitimate-looking documents and I noticed my name on the ones I checked.

“I never signed these! I never saw these documents before in my life! I never explicitly gave him this authority!”, I protested again. This joke did not feel funny anymore.

“Like I said, you did not have to, sir. The law states it clearly. Since you did not object, you agreed.” said the man while running through the folder documents already too familiar to him. “Which brings us to date. Recently Mr. Larry’s reputation has suffered from some bad publicity, and no bank is willing to grand him any more loans. Of course, Mr. Larry has accumulated lots of wealth over the years, and is a rich man now. He is a smart investor, like, for example, when he… – but wait, this has to do with your mother’s pension money you mentioned earlier!”.

Out of the pile of documents, the man picked a sheet containing tables of numbers and was showing it to me.

“Yeah? What about it?”

“Your mother’s pension was invested after all. It was traded in the parallel market. Its value almost doubled in a single day, then quadrupled the next.”

“So my mother’s lifetime savings quadrupled? That is good news! I wish she was alive to hear this.”

“Meanwhile Mr. Larry and his friends bought some "futures" committing to sell at five times the original price. But the original assets were rising very quickly. Soon enough expectation was that their value would go up a tenfold…”

“And? Did my mother’s lifetime savings multiply 10 times? That would really be good news”

“It did. But then Mr. Larry would be in deep trouble having to purchase at x10 and sell at x5. You see, he did not own any such stock to sell. So he gambled, and poured the market with more selling requests, in order to drop the price. These requests created expectations for lower price levels, and interest diminished. Soon, the value of the original assets fell down to zero –the principles of supply and demand, you know. Larry bought them back for almost nothing and sold them at five times their original value as agreed. He achieved huge earnings this way.”

I was confused: “And the bottom line is…”

 “To put it simple: your mother’s money is gone, and she might owe money to someone, but I will have to look that deeper. Anyway, you have to give it to Mr. Larry and his friends. Everyone who does business with him – and that includes contractors, funds, commercial companies, investors, bankers, traders and many more- have had the right information and benefited mutually. Mr. Larry and his connections can make money out of nothing, and that is smart business these days!”

“Ok, ok this is tiresome. Let’s go back to my so-called debt, if you don’t mind. How do my neighbors come into the deal?”.

“Lately Mr. Larry collected all his debts in a single bank, in fact it is your local neighborhood bank I am referring to. Stupid move for them to grand him all these money, but being a community bank  they felt they could take such risks. Furthermore, it gave the managing directors a huge bonus. Mr. Larry was about to pay the interests, just enough to maintain the loan's validity, but after that bad publicity no bank would lend him, so he decided not to, there was nothing to gain from that. Your local neighborhood bank announced it was in danger of going bankrupt if Mr. Larry could not cover the exposure they had on his loan. Speculators started bidding on the possibility that Larry or the bank will go bankrupt, making profits and creating an even more difficult situation. Some of your richer neighbors decided it was time to save the bank buy Mr. Larry’s loan from it. The bank was happy and healthy again (more bonuses issued as well), but Larry now owes your neighbors money, and the they are all against you and your family, saying nasty things about you. Not that getting the loan cost them anything. They have access to interest-free (or less!) financing and used that to do the purchase.Wise move as they charge you an interest for it, thus making a profit. But don’t worry, these are reasonable people. They investigated first, and know you couldn’t possibly pay them back. So they decided on some terms, and if you agree to settle on them you will enjoy this low interest rate for ever. These are friendly terms, all meant to save you, once you hear them you will agree that they clearly show their understanding and friendly attitude towards you.  In fact their calculations show that you may be able to pay them back in about …hmm… 642 easy-to-manage bi-annual payments. For example: (a) you should triple the charge to your products in order ensure your ability to pay them back…”

“But the competition…!”

“Please don’t interrupt. (b) You should pay a reduced minimal wage to your stuff and give them no pension plan or other benefits…

”
“But they will leave!”

“Please don’t interrupt. (c) No expansion. It costs money”

“But, we will lose all these contracts!”

“Please don’t interrupt. Your clients will be happy to know that there are other companies (some happen to belong to your neighbors) quite capable of fulfilling those contracts. (d) Savings, pension, insurance etc. are not for bankrupt people like you, so are confiscated. (e) Effective immediately you will pay 125% percentage of your earnings…”

“STOP! Enough with this joke! And if it is not a joke, go find Larry and get the money from him!”

“Sir, I am afraid that Mr. Larry is neither willing to pay nor is within our reach. Furthermore many of your creditors -you neigbours- are friends and business partners with him, and have no intention to procecute him. Thus, the other members of his family should share the responsibility. There is a new law for that, in fact some of Mr. Larry’s friends issued it.”

“You are crazy.”

“No, I am fully serious, sir. Please study the documents, it is all there.”

I did. Now they looked even more legitimate. I was even more uncomfortable. I had to object:

“How can you hold someone responsible for somebody else’s actions?”

“You can’t. That would be collective punishment, both unlawful and unethical.”

“Right!”

“But this does not apply here. In most cases Mr. Larry could legally operate on your behalf –even without you knowing it, I admit. Furthermore, the ethical issue is diminished by the fact that you and your family members benefited from Mr. Larry’s actions.”

Again, I realized another flaw:

“How the heck did I benefit from that bastard’s Larry borrowed money, can you tell me?”

“Sir, on October 6 last year, did you or did you not have a party for your birthday?”

“…Yes…” I said, trying to figure out what that had to do with anything.

“And did not Mr. Larry show up?”

“Yes, I invited him, so what? He came and brought the strangest present, a cat, of all things possible. I never was particularly fond of cats. And it is too inconvenient to have a cat in the apartment, I am almost never there.”

“So it is an undisputed fact that he gave you this cat, and you accepted it.”

“Yes. Not that I knew what to do with it.”

“And sir, did you keep the cat?”

“Yes, Giselle (that’s how I call her) still lives at my apartment. A pain it is at times, destroyed the furniture and the curtains the moment the very first day I got her home. Still creates a mess every now and then, but I grew fond of her. It’s a smart cat and I like her. My girlfriend likes her too.”

“So the cat was beneficial to you, as you just have admitted.", says him and continues: "You obviously did benefit from Mr. Larry’s money, as the cat was bought by him at a pet store. Here is the receipt with all the details. In fact it is an expensive breed, this cat is, I would have to appraise and confiscate her if you do not agree to repay us. Now that it is undeniably proven that you are one of Mr. Larry’s beneficiaries, please sign here please…”

“Maybe confiscate my girlfriend as well! I am not signing anything! Even if I wanted to -which I don’t- I could never get this kind of money, ever”, I shouted.

“Yes, I was warned of your irresponsibility and lack of ethics, and expected this response from someone of your kind”, he said.

He calmly handed me the receipt for the cat, some photos from that birthday party, and a form (already filled) to sign. I did not.

I soon found out that my signature was optional. 

[ Note: In 2010 at the beginning of the so-called  Greek “crisis” I wrote a message in English. It was not expected to be read by anyone, it was more like a “message in a bottle”, written in a hurry and under strong emotional turmoil. It was the day Greece entered the IMF realm and there were protests all over the country, and even violent incidents (resulting to deaths) in Athens. Now that the Greek crisis seems to come to an end (possibly with a big bang), I decided to write another message in English. This time I gave it the form of a fictional story. As such, any resemblance to real people, institutions etc. is accidental. I tried to make it a little funny, so maybe it is more appealing and is read by someone this time. I also tried to include in it reminders of the feelings the Greek Debt Problem gave me as a Greek citizen; despite the negative publicity, many Greeks are honest working, tax paying, good people, who operate under pride and honor (“filotimo”). These are the ones who paid (and still pay) the most for fixing something they did not cause nor benefitted from. However they (we) are guilty. Guilty of suspecting the problem and going on with our lives without doing something about it. But it was a situation of peer pressure and media optimism. Many of us knew something wrong was well hidden. For example, we could see the pyramid schemes created by political parties and their powerful friends and controlling every aspect of life in the country, and said nothing because “the economy was blooming” – or so the media said. The result is well known: after the 2009 crisis, triggered in the US and spreading worldwide, Greece entered (and still remains after 6 years of so-called “reforms”) in an economic twilight zone. In the past few years some of us went through extreme changes, never-before imagined outside a war situation. Taxation often resulting in taxes that exceeding our reduced incomes, and changing on a monthly basis with laws that where often unconstitutional; a dying market, loss of civil and worker rights, unemployment rising to unprecedented levels and making arguments about wages irrelevant;  high prices in products and energy (partly due to a high VAT and other special taxes, oligopoly market conditions where no real competition exists, the existence of “black” wealth that can always afford anything). For the first time the middle class was hit hard, with families passing winters without heating (winter in Greece is not as warm as you think), loss of income, loss of the health and pension coverages for which they were paying all these years, feelings of depression and hopelessness, skillful workers and scientists fleeing the country etc. And all these were called “reforms”. No wonder we don’t want any more “reforms”; nothing was done to fix the reasons that caused the problem. We know many of you are convinced by your media that the problem is us, the lazy, underproductive tax-avoiding Greeks. We may be part of the problem. But don’t forget; one day like-any-other we were announced we have a huge, unmanageable debt we never knew about. Where did it come from? We still don’t know. In fact a committee was just formed (after 6 years) to figure it out. How much of it was caused by the public sector, the private bank loans, the political corruption, the huge (and hidden) weapon expenses, the Olympics, etc.? We still don’t know. Do YOU know how YOUR government handles their expenses? If not, worry! You may end up having Larry for a cousin. But the real question is this: when economic measures are taken to fix a problem and these measures hurt people who were not causing it, is this not a form of collective punishment ? ]